We’re getting our kitchen done. Definitely not as fun as I thought it might be. As it turns out, I don’t care about tiles.

I want to see a picture on Pinterest, say I want that one, and for the transition from scanky, sticky, mainly broken old kitchen to Pinterest kitchen not impact my daily life in any way.

That’s not what happens. Months in the making, incompetent knob jockeys farting out prices, no real anticipation of how much things cost and strange windows of time you need to be at home for the unconfirmed deliveries (08.25 – 16.55 anyone? So basically all day then).

And that’s all before that famous Swedish interior furniture brand gets anywhere near to your front door. The gauntlet has been laid.

As such, we’re having to eat everything out of our cupboards, fridge, freezer, the shelves you should have dusted 3 years ago. Four tins of beans in one sitting; veggie burgers with 45 frozen gyozas (true story); just salt. Let’s just say we’re having an adventure with vintage food and it’s pot luck as to the results (both from a taste and bodily functions perspective). Gastronomy Gambling. It’s a riot.

So, this recipe is inspired by Gastronomy Gambling.


2 tspn olive oil
2 small red onions finely chopped
4 cloves of garlic
Teaspoon of crushed chilli
Tspn smoked paprika
Tspn ground cumin
Tspn boullion
1 400g tinned chopped tomatoes
1 400g tinned red kidneys and their water
300g bag of Quorn mince
Handful of parsley

2 wholewheat tortillas
4 spring onions
Grated cheddar cheese


Start by slowly frying off the red onions and garlic until sautéed then add in the chilli, cumin and smoked paprika. Let the spices cook into the onions for a minute, and then add in the tomatoes and kidney beans with their water and heat through. When simmering add the bouillon and then the quorn mince and a cup of boiling water. Leave this mixture to simmer through for at least 30 mins but longer if you can.

Turn on the grill and cut your tortilla wraps into cute triangles. Add your chilli into an overproof dish and place the tortilla triangles on top, followed by a sprinkling of spring onions and cheese.

Pop under the grill and keep your eyes on it until the cheese has melted and your tortilla top is crispy.

Finish with a sprinkle of paprika and be prepared for a windy night.

Blame it on the Quorn.